Bring Me the Chicken Tendies!
To say I’m a picky eater would be like saying the Titanic hit a snag. I am a world class picky eater. I am to finicky eaters what Tsunami Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut are to the Coney Island Fourth of July hotdog eating contest. Really, I don’t like anything.
I would be the world's worst celebrity judge on a cooking show. Not only am I not a celebrity but literally everything the contestants made I’d be like “I’m not eating that.” The contestants would say “Tonight I have locally sourced vegetables for my garden fresh ratatouille with a chipotle sauce.” And I’d be like yeah, that sounds interesting do you have something more like peanut butter on white bread?
I don't like anything, not even desserts. They’d be like, “I’ve made fresh strawberry and rhubarb upside down tart with crème fresh.” I’d be like “Cool, do you have a Poptart? I’m not fussy, it can be frosted or unfrosted just not brown sugar cinnamon cause those are gross and I hate them.”
I have lived long enough and know myself well enough to no longer be pressured to “Just try it.” No thanks! Not doing it. I know what I like and I will not be bullied. Looking at you fusion food pushers!
I am still courteous. When the server is rattling off the specials I smile, nod and feign interest. “Marinated sea bass sounds interesting.” I say, while my brain is like "Bring me the chicken tendies!’ Occasionally I like to mix things up and order a salad. “Could I have that with just lettuce, cheese and croutons?” The server raises an eyebrow but before they can speak I finish their question: “And no salad dressing, thanks.” They typically roll their eyes and bring me salad with tomatoes and cucumbers and other stuff I won’t eat because I couldn’t possibly really mean what I actually said.
Yes, I have read Green Eggs and Ham, no I do not like how it ends. I think Sam I Am should have stood his ground and the pushy eggs and ham dude should have backed off!
You know what the upside to being this food fussy is? I have narrowed my foods to where I can be happy at almost any place anytime. I never leave a restaurant and say “I don’t think I’d try that again.” Cause I already didn’t try it! Now who’s the victim?
I do try to eat healthy, I just have picked my two healthy foods and like no variation. I like going out and sharing a meal as much as the next person, if the next person is a toddler. Toddlers get me when it comes to food choices. So if we travel together or go out together and you think you can persuade me to try something, keep thinking Lincoln cause it ain't happenin’. I’ll be ordering the chicken tendies.